I was handed yesterday a few large scoops of opportunity at work. See, although my internship doesn’t end until August 13, I’ve been grounded for the past week writing my research presentation to present to the entire R&D staff. Yesterday was the first day that I showed a fellow co-worker the results from my work. It was as if all of my work came together so elegantly, and just a few pieces of paper was all it would take to convey over 320 hours of work. Before I even arrived at Sasol, my supervisor sent me a research paper containing much of the background information I would need to do my job. I read it thoroughly, acting like it was just another school assignment. I thought nothing of it. When I arrived for my first day, I was bombarded with information left and right, and although I didn’t understand a lot of it, I was able to pick it all up very quickly. To me, my assignments were very straight forward. The information I was trying to extract from the research was never anything too extravagant or too complicated. At least, that’s what I always thought. I was given theoretical mathematical formulas and told to demonstrate their effectiveness through my research. I was told to obtain new relationships between performance and chemical structure. I did, and I never thought it was very difficult. I thought all I was doing was running tests, looking at the results, and using them to judge where my next test would be. I never once thought twice about the importance of the research I was doing. Well, apparently, I underestimated. In fact, according to my higher-ups, it’s cutting-edge and state-of-the-art. And I’m the one doing it. It’s weird to think about, especially since the research is so abstract. Plus, I always acted as if this was all some big class project. I was never intimidated, and I was never in over my head. So, as I presented the results of my entire internship to a higher-up, she was not only impressed, she was ecstatic. Moreover, I had to teach her what I was doing. It’s one thing to obtain data and results from your research and present it to your higher-ups, but it’s another to teach them the concepts behind your research because they in fact don’t know. Now, because of my success, they want to fly me up to Toronto to meet with a professor who is involved in some similar research. They also want me to present my results to a professor at Texas A&M who is interested in the research. Never would I have imagined all of the success that came from this internship, but then again, I treated the entire summer as one big school project. It’s still that way to me, but perhaps that’s a good thing. Perhaps those six years of elementary school, awkward three years of middle school, four years of high school, and two years of college have actually and miraculously come together to produce a set of skills that can be applied to the real workplace. Amazing, isn’t it? Nonetheless, I’m actually proud of myself. Despite all of the anxiety and emotional baggage I’ve had to deal with lately, I still have the power to create my own success, and for that I am quite blessed.

I find myself without any real sense of flow tonight. Typically I don’t even try to write if I’m in this mood, but I’m trying to utilize my blog more often to stop the anxiety from settling in. It really helps to simply reflect on the day, to try to parse the good, even if the day was bad. I’ve really been trying to get over the anxiety, and lately I actually have noticed a difference. I’m learning to simply shove all the crap aside and ignore it. It might seem like a quick fix rather than a permanent solution, but my hope is that I’ll do this frequent enough that it will actually subside and eventually disappear. I do find it interesting however to observe how I’m tackling this whole problem of mine. I should at least be assured that I’m definitely an engineer since every approach I concoct is very technical rather than emotional. Speaking of technical, by the end of the summer, I should have a couple of published science journal articles under my belt. Right now, however, my work consists of writing my presentation to present to the entire workforce in R&D. Oh yes, very excited!

“I Want to Celebrate and Live My Life”

Okay, so yes I picked this phrase out of a pop song that I fell in love with today (while listening to American Top 40 with Ryan Seacrest if you must know), but like I’ve always said, never underestimate the power of inspiration to crawl through the smallest cracks and make its way to you. This weekend has been quite eventful, mostly due to my current inability to be alone. Basically since I got off work on Friday until now, I’ve been running non-stop with the various adventures that I now associate with my weekends. Even with all of the emotional havoc that I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to avoid, there is at least one good aspect that has resulted from all of this. I’m getting out, socializing more than I ever did, and exploring this world of people around me that I’ve partially neglected over the past couple of years. Throughout the summer so far, I’ve probably gone out just as many times as I have in Aggieland over the past two years. As sad as it is, I’m seeing a glimpse of how my life can potentially be. Full of life. Full of celebration. And you know what? I’m only twenty years old. A few months ago, I was more excited about being able to work my butt off this summer than being able to see my friends back in Lake Charles. Last year, I had more fun completing my homework than going out to eat with my friends. What was I thinking?? I was a moron. I was insane. If it’s one thing I’ve realized over the past couple of months, it’s that I need to stay young as long as I possibly can. I need to enjoy life as long as I possibly can. So you know what? No longer do I feel guilty about actually leaving work on time instead of working over time. No longer do I feel hesitant about going out with my friends even though I know I have to wake up early the next morning. And when given a choice of doing homework by myself or with a buddy, I’ll choose the buddy every single time. Life is too short to be doing homework by yourself.

However, even with my written epiphany tonight, I still realize that I have a lot of emotional work ahead of me. After all, even though I would continue in this path even if I didn’t feel anxious all of the time, it was indeed the anxiety that pushed me this way. From going out with my friends to canoeing through thunderstorms, on weekends I never allow myself even a minute of down-time. We all know why. I’m afraid of how I will feel if left to fend for myself, if left to find some distant emotion of security in my endlessly anxious mind. In fact, because it’s Sunday evening, earlier I was thinking about just how bad the anxiety would be tomorrow simply due to the start of the work week. Inspiration found its way through again though because as I was logging in to post, I saw a comment that a fellow Aggie had written yesterday on a previous post. All of a sudden, worries went away, and all I wanted to do was post about every ounce of inspiration my mind would push out. It’s funny because sometimes, I feel that the best inspiration is just looking at how elegantly the inspiration makes its way to you. Bravo!

So, I leave you with this final note from my inspired mind. For once, I want to celebrate and live my life.

…and finally… as per a good friend’s request: BYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

My anxiety was the worst it’s been in a long time. I think it’s getting worse in general. I’ll go through periods where it’s very faint, but it always comes back. Tonight was so bad that I got out of the house and just started driving. I ended up at the beach. I sat in the sand and started listening to Pianoscapes on my ipod. After I got over the worries that were plaguing me at that moment, I eventually settled down. An hour passed and I left to go back home and now that I’m sitting in my room, I feel just as anxious. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying so hard…

I remember the old days in 5th grade when I was heavily involved in the chess club. I attended tournament upon tournament and took advantage of everything I possibly could to help me learn and play better chess. The OLQH Chess Camp was one of them, and I remember vividly sitting down next to one of my old chess buddies as the camp began. I remember my coach’s lesson and the move that I correctly answered (pawn to f4). I even remember the tournament that followed the instructional part of the camp. It was a great experience as I remember it. Years passed by and I of course kept up my chess, playing in even more tournaments and putting even more hours into my chess studies. Over the course of the next five years, I forgot about that OLQH camp that I attended, so never in a million years would I have predicted that I’d be organizing and directing it, but it happened. And now, four years later, I’ve completed my fourth year of organizing and directing the OLQH Chess Camp. Hard to believe that I’ve made it this long without a kid breaking his leg or setting the building on fire. Of course, we do witness our mishaps, like last year when I walked into the bathroom after the camp was finished only to find that it had basically been completely destroyed… or when during the first year of camp, half of my coaches had bailed at the last second, leaving myself and one other person to try to control and teach a group of 70 rowdy, sugar-enriched kids more interesting in seeing how far they could throw a chess piece rather than how well they could play a chess game. This year, my coaches and I counted how many kids fell out of their chairs from leaning forward too much. We counted over thirty. Nonetheless, I enter each year of camp with more lessons learned, and not-surprisingly every year, less pieces are thrown, less noise can be heard from residents ten miles away, and overall, more chess is taught into these 3-second attention span brains. Now, after my fourth year, I still come home with such amazement. To see these 8-year-olds running around and screaming at the top of their lungs get quiet and serious in less than a second all because they’re ready to play chess is one of the most amazing things. Seeing the students implement strategies that we taught them in the camp during their tournament games is even more amazing, and you can always see the excitement in their eyes because of their success. No matter how much I gripe and complain about how exhausting or stressful the entire process is, I know deep down that I love doing it. Besides, these kids deserve a summer venue to be able to learn and play chess, and well, as long as I’m here and able, I’ll give them the opportunity.