Things have been getting slightly better each day since I’ve hit my hundredth or so bottom.  I’ve accepted the fact that I absolutely must surround myself around people in order to survive without the anxiety taking over.  It’s nice since I’m being a lot more social, but at the same time, I wish I had some down time every once and a while.  The problem persists however, and this desired down time just isn’t possible.  I have been having fun, though, and tonight even found myself at a couple bars with my newly-reunited best friend.  Yes, the anxiety is still there, and even though I’m quite surprised that I’m still having this much trouble breaking through, I’m handling it.  It’s amazing how a friend who really wants to be there for you can make all the difference.  It’s all I needed… and hopefully all I will need.

I’ve also noticed that nostalgia sets in more often.  I’ll be driving, and all it takes is the right song to come on the radio, and boom, I’m thinking about everything that’s happened to me.  My yearning for the past to magically reappear is still strong, unfortunately, and while I want to move on into the foggy future, leaving the past in my dusty track, I’m just not there yet.  I don’t know if I’ll even ever be there.  I simply hope that I reach a point of equilibrium, where I can sit down to work on my homework without the anxiety overcoming me, where I can sit down and watch a movie without sadness or anger sweeping through me.  Like I said, hopefully I’ll get there.  I’m sure I will, I guess… at least, that’s what everyone has told me.

And as I’ve realized more and more in the past few months, God loves to through you curve balls in your day where you just stop and ask yourself why you’re even worrying about anything.  As I was walking to my car tonight, I saw this written on the sidewalk downtown… and me being the inspiration-fanatic, I took a picture to make sure I wouldn’t forget it.  It said:  ”Desire: The main ingredient for ordinary people doing extraordinary things.”  Perfect ending to my day.

My birthday occurred today. I turned 20.  No more seeing funny teen movies or watching Teen Nick anymore.  Supposedly this is a significant event in my life due to the fact that I am no longer a teenager. For some reason, however, I feel no different. No weights dropped on my head. No funny feeling in my gut. Nothing. Weird… because think about it. I will never ever be a teenager again.  The days of limited responsibilities, free food, and that good ol’ childhood are gone. This truly is significant, yet I do not even care really.  Like I said, simply weird.

The birthday itself was uneventful as it usually is, but that doesn’t bother me.  I went out to eat with my family then spent time with Kayla L. (Kayla I, as opposed to Kayla II, according to my dad).  Kayla II is out of the picture now, or at least I’m hoping.  See, the anxiety was exponentially worse today than it has been because Kayla II was not here to spend my birthday with me like she promised.  Typical of course, yet it was all I could think about.  Well, you know what?  Even though I knew it wasn’t worth the worry all along, I’m bringing that thought to the surface now.  I’m following through… hopefully… maybe?  No, I must.  I’ll be on the brink of total self-destruction if I don’t.

So even though the day was uneventful, it was significant, although not for the reason that it should be.  Perhaps 20 years old, not being a teenager anymore, is the perfect symbolism for getting over this nightmare of a phase in my life.  Here’s hoping.

This is the first time in over a week where I finally have some down time to post. I’ve been keeping myself extremely busy, for obvious reasons, and although I’m exhausted all the time, it beats being alone. Last Friday started off an extremely exhilarating weekend. I drove home from work, ate a quick dinner, and within an hour, I was on the road with some of my best friends heading to Galveston, TX, for what I considered an escape from reality.

Our hotel was… well… it was a hotel. The Super 8. Exciting. Room was spacious, nice, all that good stuff. Checked in, asked the very-young looking front-desk person about any clubs, and what do you know? Taproot was playing later in the night at a nearby bar. For the deprived, Taproot is a really good rock band that I’ve listened to for years. So we arrive at this bar, all excited and such, wearing our best. You know, bright colorful shirts just like we do in Lake Charles. We were about the only ones. Never mind the fact that the bar was dark to begin with. I felt I was surrounded by darkness with a side of death. Turns out that hard rock fans don’t really like colors other than black. Who knew? We didn’t care (at least I didn’t). As we waited for Taproot to come on stage, we explored around a little bit. Saw a “Green Room,” thought it was more like a “weed room,” saw a stripper pole, got interested, but then realized it wasn’t being used. Taproot finally came on stage and started jamming out. Near the beginning, the singer got onto the floor, grabbed a few people, and suddenly started pushing and shoving furiously. Before I knew it, a crazy mosh pit had begun, and I found myself and Alex standing in front of the two girls protecting them from the highly energetic men slamming themselves into us.

Crazy drugged dancers

As the concert progressed, we realized that most of the mosh-pitters had to be on some kind of hardcore drug. Trust me on this one. Soon after the concert, I remembered what the worst part of concerts were—your lack of hearing. Ah yes, the loud ringing sound that loomed within my ears would soon take permanent residence.

The next day was our day to do everything we could possibly do in one day. Ears still ringing from last night, we woke up at 7:30 in the morning after only hitting the sack at around 3:30. First thing’s first. We hit the beach.

Brittany, Alex, and Kayla

We chatted with people around us, enjoyed the sun, got chased by a couple sting rays, you know… the usual.

We also walked around the Kemah boardwalk, which had tons of stuff to do—shops, restaurants, rides, music—everything. Kayla and I picked up a nice picture of us:

Handsome guy next to some weird girl...

We went to an aquarium that had a huge tank full of sting rays. I’m talking at least fifty of them. We were given some little fish, and we hung them along the wall of the tank on the surface of the water and watched in amazement and fear as the sting rays literally swam up along the wall, came half way out of the water (fins flapping furiously to try to stay afloat), and waited eagerly for us to stick the little fishy into their mouths. What a freaky feeling, but it was quite exhilarating.

We also got to ride a giant speed boat called The Beast. Our ride was at 8:00 in the evening, so we happily enjoyed the sunset as we got wet from the Beast’s surprisingly crazy fast twists and turns.

Picture on the Beast that Kayla will probably not like being posted

Of course, it’s always an amazing experience eating at Joe’s Crab Shack

The day was a lot of fun, and even exhausting at times:

But nothing beats this one:

Over all, I was just happy to have gotten away from everything that haunts me in Lake Charles. Even though I had my moments of brief anxiety, I was almost anxious free, and I needed it. We laughed, got wet, pet sting rays, what could be better? The one thing I regret is not enjoying it more. I say this every time I come back from a vacation, yet I never follow my advice the next time.

Unfortunately, reality hit again, and away I went to work at 7 in the morning today, off to begin another week. My only hope is that I enjoy it… because as I’ve been telling everybody lately, life is too short to only enjoy your weekends… work or no work. But that’s a post for another day.

Well, I’m back to square one again. I’ve fallen all the way back to the bottom, back to the beginning where I started. Looks familiar… of course, I’ve only had to start over a million times. I don’t get it. I’m trying so hard here, but it just seems that natural forces are pulling me back down just when I’m about to reach the threshold. I’m in need of inspiration right now, more than ever, but it seems that there is a blanket covering me, stopping me from finding anything. I try to find my way out of it, but it seems to be never-ending. Someone please help me find my way out of this. I’m trying so hard, and I’m still not succeeding.