Thoughts.Inspiration

Introducing: The One Post a Day Project

Sam — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 23:04:08 +0000

Accomplishing and Working

Sam — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 20:55:04 +0000

Well, as always, my desire to go back to Aggieland is as strong as ever. The second I leave that place, I miss it. I wonder if I’ll be able to survive graduating…

My time back home has been enjoyable, to say the least. To my deep relief, I managed to secure a 4.0 this semester, which was a much bigger accomplishment than you may think. When I think back on the semester, I’m kind of proud of myself. I did accomplish a lot, particularly in increasing my emotional health, which is part of why my 4.0 was so important to me. I secured an internship. I made new friends. Oh, and I should mention that I witnessed the Fightin Texas Aggie football team play an amazing season and tie for the Big 12 South. Let’s just say that my Aggie pride was at a high this past semester. Of course, I always find room for personal improvement and have planned accordingly (just in time for a New Years resolution).

I’ve also been thinking a lot about work, lately. I came home on a Thursday evening, one day after my last final, and Friday morning I was back working at Sasol. Sure, I was tired and slightly mentally exhausted, but that didn’t deter me from taking advantage of the opportunity to further my work experience and earn some extra cash. But man, I am going to be working 10-hour days for the rest of my life, and let me tell you, going to work at 7:45 in the morning and coming home at 6:30 in the evening takes everything out of you. Sometimes I wonder how everyone else does it. And then I ask myself, “Why in the heck do I want to jump into this cycle as soon as I can?” Seems kind of stupid, doesn’t it? Why not enjoy life as much as possible. Of course, we cannot discredit the fact that I love working (or at least I think I do), but it’s that very characteristic that I am questioning. This sort of thinking leads my mind in several directions, and my thoughts never really converge. The only converging thought I always lead myself back to is this: Does it make me happy? As long as the answer is yes, I think I’ll be okay. Still… I can’t help but question.

Right now—all I must focus on is having a swell Christmas. Merry Christmas to everyone!

I am proud…

Sam — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 02:19:19 +0000

I’m proud that I have the determination to do whatever it takes to better myself. I’m proud that I try to take advantage of every opportunity, every possibility, every opening in life. I’m proud that I work my butt off, and I’m proud that I can say with only my own efforts. I’m also proud of the friends and family that have helped me through the rough roads of adversity. What am I the most proud of? My motivation to succeed in whatever I do. My drive. I would do whatever it takes to make sure that I have the success that I want in life… success defined only by me. But you know what? No matter how tough life became, I would never stoop so low as to accept money from an entity that forces others to help me. I would accept help from willing people, through volunteerism, through true compassion, but I would never, ever, want to freely ride off of the success of others without their permission.

…now if only the rest of the nation had the same attitude…

Almost Done…

Sam — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 07:56:54 +0000

Well, finals are over for all my chemical engineering classes. I ripped ‘em to shreds. Now, all that’s left is my quantitative analysis final, which, ironically will my toughest one (even though the material is waaayyy easier than, say, fluid mechanics…). I must admit, the eagerness to be finished here is really making me itch. I can literally taste the success; it’s right at my fingertips. Just gotta keep my cool for a few more days.

On a side note–I attended my first Aggie basketball game of the season. We beat Washington (No. 21), and the spirit revived my excitement for Fightin’ Texas Aggie Basketball! Still, it’s a lot tougher this year transitioning from football mode to basketball mode considering how well our football team did this season (and how I still cannot get over the magic that was the Nebraska game). Gig’em!

I found out I can do the impossible

Sam — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 06:26:07 +0000

I am again turning to inspiration to help me get through this stressful time. There is a question that has been stressing me out lately. The question? Will I achieve straight As this semester? As more of a stress-inducer than you think, achieving this means more to me than simply being able to hear a “good job!” from my parents. The last time I was able to somehow muster up enough focused energy to see nothing but the letter A on my grade report was my freshman year. Oh, I remember that semester so vividly. Dorm room, not enough space on my desk, Heldenfels, memorizing 125 homework problems for Hardy’s exams, late-night study sessions in honors o-chem. I remember how focused I was, and how much I enjoyed the constant adrenalin rush of infinite preparation. Somehow, I was able to produce nothing short of pure concentration and dedication. I got my energy from the desire to continue. However, as unfortunate events tend to occur quite often, I have since been unable to reproduce those results. Somehow, I have let life’s adversities get the best of me. However, now I have finally created the opportunity again, a chance to achieve the part of me that’s been locked deep within, trying to break free. To achieve this again would symbolize my recovery, my comeback. Let me tell you, after a year that can only be described by the words anxiety and more anxiety, I need this. Every ounce of me really needs this. Interestingly enough, I discovered a new song yesterday that has inspired me to truly believe in myself as I begin these last few days of finals. After all, when you consolidate all the worries, all the difficulties, all the negative voices eating your insides away, it really all boils down to this: Just believe you can succeed. As the song says: “I found out I can do the impossible.” So, as I walked home today, I caught myself saying, “You know what? I’ve got this.”

Chemical Engineering Aggies

Sam — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 01:34:08 +0000

Last night I spent the whole evening and half of the night in the computer lab with my fellow classmates finishing up our Numerical Analysis assignment. I had one of my first encounters with the whole late-night, large group of chemical engineering students, collaboration thing, and it actually made the night much more enjoyable. Even though we were struggling to inch our way through each problem, we at least had some laughs and the help from each other. It reminded me of how much I love Texas A&M. Aggies always stick together.

The aura of finals is now quickly approaching. I can feel the whole disarray of students scrambling to find enough energy to stay awake, ahhh yesss…. this time of the semester is always my favorite.

Candy, Creative Writing, and the Nearing End of the Semester

Sam — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 01:35:31 +0000

Last night I was surprised by two good friends when out of the blue they brought me a bag full of blowpops, M&Ms, goldfish, and granola bars as a way to cheer me up since I was suffering from my regular dose of anxiety. The unexpected visit made me feel loved, which unsurprisingly makes most of my anxiety go away. Thanks Abby and Clarissa.

If only candy could do my homework for me. Last night I had to complete my portfolio for creative writing. Of course, every page I printed off reminded me of how poorly I performed in that class, which I should mention is not really my fault but the chemical engineering department’s. It seems that chemical engineering doesn’t exactly like the idea of taking a class for fun (heaven forbid!), so unfortunately, while I signed up for the class to learn how to write better and enjoy doing it, I was instead stuck working thermodynamics and fluid mechanics problems instead of writing poems and short stories.

After working on that until 3 A.M. and waking up to make my 8 o’clock this morning, I was just about ready to pass out come 9:15. I drove home, ate half of a pizza, and went directly into a food coma. Ahh, those are so nice.

After taking that nice nap in the middle of the day, performing well in Quant today, and learning that my creative writing professor is sort of famous, I’d say that today’s been sort of a good day. And as I was walking to catch my bus after class, I realized something. Finals are here, and my stress levels are decreasing. It’s time to now start putting all of my energy into studying, which oddly enough, is what I’ve always loved doing. Off to the library!

Positive Aspects

Sam — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 07:34:10 +0000

I hate nostalgia. It usually saddens me because it reminds me of a time in my life that I miss terribly. Even though I’ve come a long way since last Spring, there’s still a void that I cannot fill. I usually artificially fill it with school work, but it works as well as trying to fit a square block into a circular hole. When I start to think about my past experiences, particularly the ones I try to forget, I mind as well be asking someone to slap me in the face. Sometimes, to help, I read over my old blog posts, eager and hopeful for some inspiration. I stumbled upon this one posted while I was coping with what I’m pretty much coping with right now:

Earlier today, I was given the brilliant idea to record the positive aspects of each day to share with the rest of the world as a method of improving my attitude and restoring my emotional health. Here it goes:

1. I registered classes as an Honors student.
2. I enrolled in a Creative Writing course to improve my writing style and help balance my four chemical engineering classes.
3. I performed well in an interview for an internship with Sasol, a chemical company with a plant in Westlake, LA.
4. I met two very friendly Jews in my computer science lab.
5. I realized that I absolutely love my job and will do anything to be able to continue working next semester.
6. I downloaded “Angel is the Centerfold” by J. Geils Band.

The particular relevance of this post has to do with how many things on that list were so important in shaping my life up to now. When I posted that on April 15, 2010, I thought little of any of the things on that list, but little did I know that registering early enabled me to take that creative writing class. I’ve learned so much in that creative writing class and do not regret taking it one bit. That interview with Sasol led to an internship during the summer, and since then, that experience has helped me land several other job offers for the next summer. One of those friendly jews I met in my computer science lab is now one of my best friends. That job played an invaluable role in my recovery, and I’ve listened to that song countless times after waking up just to make my mornings that much better.

Say what you’d like about how irrelevant and insignificant those six items are to you, but blogging about them that one particular day allowed me to go back and read about them six months later and realize how important those things were.

So here I am now with the need for inspiration just as I was then. And even though I am in no mood, I am pretty much forcing myself to think about my “positive aspects” right now. After all, if I don’t, I know what the rest of my thoughts consist of, and I do not want to go down that path. I’m trying…

Overcoming My Self-Inflicted Burden

Sam — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 04:58:51 +0000

I knew it wasn’t a coincidence when a month ago I randomly stumbled upon this article that talked about committing to the process without worrying about the end result. God was trying to warn me, apparently, because today after I got out of my dreadful fluids exam all I could think about was what I would need to do to get an A in the class. I started creating hypothetical scenarios in my head. If I make this grade, I have to make this grade on my final. Oh no, what if I bomb another exam? Will I have enough time to prepare that much? My mind was about to explode. It still is. The whole problem is that we as college students naturally focus so much on the end result… more specifically, that grade that will make or break us, or so we think. Of course, in reality, the difference between a B and a A in a class will have very little effect on anything in the future, but we ignore that simple fact. The simple fact today, however, was that I came very close to a breakdown after realizing that even as I go into finals, it’s still uncertain whether I’ll make As or Bs in my classes, and that uncertainty kills me. I was then comforted by my little friend, Anxiety. Right. During this whole experience, I was thinking about that little article I read a month ago and how God must be trying to prepare me for this result-driven spiral. Maybe so, but as I sat in my room trying to calm myself down, I thought, “Not thinking about the results… that’s going to be TOUGH!” How am I supposed to not worry about what my final grade will be when for my entire life I have been bred to base my success on it? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that a B in a class could represent my self-inflicted inferiority? I try to put all of my energy into everything that I do, so what if the best I could do wasn’t the best? These thoughts scare the heck out of me and now leave me asking: “God, if you really want me to focus on the process, I’ll do it, but I’m going to need your help. Like, a lot.” Because right now, no matter how much I think about Thanksgiving, Christmas, my internship, my friends and family, and all the other good things in my life, I know that my worries, my anxiety, and this burden of self-standards that are so focused on making As are all right around the corner waiting for my mind to wonder, waiting for me to let my guard down like I did today. I only hope that they do not get the best of me.

God’s Way of Answering My Prayers

Sam — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 06:28:58 +0000

God continues to help me in cool ways. It seems like He’s always been able to get through to me through music, yet, yesterday as I prayed for help with my recent extreme lack of motivation, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was just too overwhelmed this time. The chemical engineering workload has been very stressful lately. As if the jam-packed day full of classes and meetings isn’t enough, I have to come home at 5 each day, eat dinner, and then in a miraculous act of will power, muster up enough energy to put in the necessary 4-6 hours of studying. Typically, those 4-6 hours turn into about 30 minutes to an hour, followed by an episode of Scrubs or three. Lately, my study time has been even worse, and my motivation has been at a low. Of course, when I came back from Florida this past week, and after missing three whole days of school (which seems like suicide if you’re a chemical engineering student), I realized that I had three exams and a project due all the following week. As if the anxiety wasn’t enough, I realized that I won’t have much time to study the week of exams due to organization commitments in the evenings, which means all of my studying has to be finished by the end of the weekend. How’s that for an anxiety-builder…

Well, God apparently heard my prayers. Yesterday as I sat in my creative writing class, a song came on (yes, we listen to music during class sometimes) that I automatically fell in love with. I never found out the name of it, but I was told that the band was called MercyMe. Went home, acquired some of their music, and I haven’t been able to stop listening since. I haven’t stopped being inspired, either, and tonight as I sat in my room with nothing to do, listening to their music suddenly motivated me to pack up my stuff, get in my car, drive to the chemical engineering building, and start studying my butt off. Anxiety was gone. Exhaustion was gone. All I wanted to do was get as much work done as I could, and I did. I thank God for yet again giving me the strength to overcome another little challenge in life.

So, even though I sit here in the computer lab at 12:30 in the morning on a Friday night, with no other soul in sight, I feel good that I was actually able to concentrate. Yep… I feel good.